THE Brazilian Wax

After years of complaining of shaving ~my downstairs~ to a friend she decided to book me an appointment to get a Brazilian. My only fear was the pain and after she made the appointment I immediately googled ‘How Bad Does a Brazilian Wax Hurt.’ The answer? Really fucking bad.

For six weeks I grew my pubes out which was itchy, bumpy and kept poking out of my leggings. The day finally came and I frantically searched for all the answers to my questions regarding the pain and how to combat it. Somehow my body made it to the European Wax Center and as I sat in the lobby I could feel my stomach in my chest and I thought I would blow chunks on the esthetician. Long story short, because I psyched myself out that it would be pain worse than giving birth (which I’ve never done, but I can imagine that sucks balls) I was pleasantly surprised when it only hurt like a bitch.

After two months of waxes I decided I was too broke to continue such a boujee ass lifestyle. I had a boyfriend at the time who didn’t care either way and wasn’t appreciative of my silky smooth vagina so it wasn’t worth it.

Flash forward two years and that unappreciative JERK is out of my life (eh, he wasn’t THAT bad…) and I have a new man who wondered what it would be like if I got a wax. My man-hating feminist ass immediately shut him down because IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT THE FUCK HE HAS TO SAY ABOUT VAGINA. That may be true, but also he’s pretty dope and I fucking hate shaving so let’s give it a try. Plus homeboy offered to pay for it and I won’t say no to free money.

Having experienced the pain a few years prior I knew it was going to hurt, but I was excited to not worry about shaving anymore.

Here’s the truth- does it hurt? Of course. You’re getting the hair from arguably the most sensitive part of your body ripped out of the pores. Is it worth it? Absolutely. The initial rip stings, your body tenses, you take a deep breath then it’s fine. That pattern continues for roughly 30 minutes. Then the whole area is a bit sore for a day after.

If your esthetician is good, she’ll help you with breathing techniques and talk to you throughout the whole experience. My girl Stephanie knows *a lot* about me (not only because she is one of 5 humans who have been that close to my vagina, but because I tell her all about my life) and I know a lot about Stephanie (congrats on your daughter’s wedding girl!!).

I have affectionally been calling my Brazilians ‘The Big Rip of [month]” and although it’s about ~22 minutes and 34 seconds~ of pain, the fact that I don’t have to even think about my vagina for five weeks (kidding, you SHOULD probably think about your vagina sometimes) is worth $100 a month. It is probably NOT worth $100 a month, I’m poor, but I’m gonna do it anyway because I walk out of the salon feeling like a goddamn SUPERWOMAN.

Before your appointments drink a lot of water, take ibuprofen, and just remember that it’ll be over soon.